10 Great Things

I was doing a patient interview this afternoon, and the chick just started going on and on about abusing alcohol and trying to kill herself. Whatever, lady ... go for it. You're just bringing everyone down anyway. So instead of wasting my ink on writing down all that shit, I instead decided to compile a list of all things awesome. After trimming down all the obvious ones (sports, Notre Dame, garlic, etc), here are the top 10, in no particular order:

Scotland: Yup, the entire country. This place has given rise to so many great things, I felt it had to be included. What, you may ask? First and foremost: William Wallace. I know the term gets thrown around a lot, but this guy really is a beast. William Wallace is seven feet tall. He kills men by the hundreds, and if he were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse. Plus, there is a sweet drinking game that goes along with Braveheart. It involved skunked Genny Ice and battle scenes. Speaking of Braveheart, the Scots have kilts. Back when men were men, there were no designer jeans. There weren't even jeans at all. Guys just threw a piece of cloth around their west and got going. The Scots still sport that today .. gotta respect it. Elsewhere in the world of fashion, Scotland is home to two never-out-of-style prints: plaid for the men, and paisely for the women and the hippies. Nice work. And obviously, Scotland is the home of Scotch. Mmm. I love scotch. Scotchy-scotch scotch. Ron Burgundy knew what was up. Highland, Lowland, Islay, or cheap-o ... single malt or crazy blend ... on the rocks or mixed with root beer .. so much deliciousness. For time's sake, here is a quick rundown of other awesome things from Scotland that most people are unaware of: Sherlock Holmes, the decimal point, Capitalism, flasks, Dolly the cloned sheep, golf, curling, and marmalade.

Whole Foods Market: If you have never been, you need to spray yourself with cologne. Done? OK, now get in the car and go to your nearest Whole Foods. So much greatness all under one roof. The free samples are incredible: cheese, chips and sauce (as Lau would say), steak, ice cream, coffee, lunch meat ... pretty much anything. The bulk bins are amazing, and also free to try. Huge olive bars, appetizer bars, salad bars, and lunch bars just begging for you to take a sample. I head over there about 3-4 times a week just to eat free lunch or dinner. And if you are ever incined to spend some money, this place kicks the shit out of your local grocery store. Huge steaks , delish lob-stahs, an entire display case just for sausage, and all the strange ingredients Giada and Molto Mario can think of (see below).

Salvation Army: I am sure we all became familiar with the great bargains this place has in store for all the cash-strapped folks out there. But this store needs to be recognized for more than decade dance costumes and couches. There are everyday clothes like sport coats and ties, and special occassion clothes like light-up robot hats and cowboy boots ... every Wednesday, 50% off. And considering that most things are never over 5 bucks ... you can't beat the prices. And if someone gives you shit for buying things that were meant for the poor people, just smack them over the head with your recently aquired $1 three wood. Works for me.

Maddox: Anybody ever read this guys articles? Now don't get me wrong, sometimes this guy can be pretty annoying. He was definitley a last minute addition, mostly inspired by what I imagined him saying to the stupid bitch I was interviewing as she kept complaining about how expensive it was for her to maintain her case of beer per day habbit. After almost scrapping him from the list, I remembered his articles on vegetarians (see below) and beating children. Entertaining stuff. Apparently he has a book coming out (notice that guy is wearing a kilt). While I am not so sure how great it will be, any guy who can make bundles of cash from a book sheerly because he talks about genitals more than a group of junior high boys playing golf must have things figured out. So he stays.

Game of Shadows: This seems pretty self-explanatory. Anything that exposes Barry and the rest of those cheatings bastards for the cheating bastards that they are definitely warrants the list. Damn cheating bastards.

Vinyl: You know, records. The big round things that spin. Apparently JLau uses them quite a bit now as a DJ, so he knows what I am talking about. But seriously, there is just something about popping on an old Grateful Dead album and letting 'er spin that gratifies the soul. They last forever, sound great ... and apparently can be worth quite a bit of money. Sometimes I buy records at Salvation Army (see above) for a dollar each. Upon looking them up, two of them were apparently kinda valuable. I sold one of them sold on eBay (which ranks as #11 on this list by the way, after barely missing the cut) for $50 and another has a current bid of $30. Not bad. Between this and other tricks I pulled on eBay, I have now funded my entire record collection - including the record player. In summary - vinyl kicks ass. And with the digital music revolution, vinyl will become the only tangible music media left ... outlasting 8-tracks, casettes, and CDs. What a beast!

A Knight's Tale DVD: Oh yes. Easily one of the top two on the list. That is my word ... and as such is BEYOND CONTESTATION! Amazing. I think we all recall the beauty that is A Knight's Tale: the slow motion "WIIIIIILLLLLLLIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAMMMMM" scene, the amazing Robbie Williams leap, the great soundtrack, and oh so many timeless quotes. I truly cannot do it justice with words. Just buy it, and enjoy over and over again.

Bill Walton: Just kidding ... this is a preview of my next post: 10 things that suck.

Meat: Meat simply kicks ass. Why else would the Catholic Church make its followers give it up every Friday. Because the Catholic Church likes to make people suffer. And not having meat is definitely suffering. Vegetarianism just does not make sense to me in any way ... maybe Dolson can explain it (also coming up in 10 things that suck). Nebraska may be pretty atrosh, but this is one thing they get right. Cornhuskers love their meat, much more than any other group of people I have seen. PETA sent some representative here three years ago, who were promptly chased off-stage by angry farmers. That is not a joke. The Omaha arena football team is called the Omaha Beef, complete with mascot Sir Loin. And best of all is a store called Husker Home Foods, devoted solely to the slaughtering and distrubution of all things meat. Their motto: Big Meats Delivered. My kind of store. I have been here long enough, that I don't even see cows and pigs anymore ... all I see are charts of primal cuts that show me where the most delicious meat is. And I am OK with that. My question is, why have we limited ourselves to such a small number of animals? Cows, pigs, poultry, fish ... maybe some venture into rabbit and lamb. Don't get me wrong ... every little piece of these suckers is delicious. But perhaps there are others animals out there, waiting to be found and eaten. The toucan, the elephant, the Portugese Man of War. Who knows ... food for thought, anyway.

Food Network: Giada. Emeril (The Essence, not Live). Tyler Florence. Giada. Molto Mario. Iron Chef Hiroyuki Sakai. And my favorite, Alton Brown. This stable of culinary prize-horses combine to put together one of the greatest lineups in TV history. From 11:30 to 5 (with a 1 o'clock switch over to Passions) you really just can't go wrong. So many great episodes, I guarantee this network could single handedly suppport the TiVo industry. Alton Brown's "Tender is the Loin" and Molto Mario's "Puglia and Calabria series" just to name a couple. And now with the nationalization of Whole Foods (see above), every recipe is accessible. As Chairman Kaga would say, "Allez Cusine!"

Charlie Weiss: Again - self-explanatory. I know I said I was going to leave sports and Notre Dame off ... and he is pretty much both. But he is too much of a beast to leave off. I really think he should just coach all of Notre Dame sports. He will probably never lose another football game in his career. And even in the unlikely event that he ever finds himself behind in a game, he can simply eat the opposing team's best player(s). So why not sign him up for the rest of the sports. It's a flawless game plan.