10 Atrosh Things

Great observation, Nicko, great observation! Truly a much more uplifting post than this list here. But, it had to be done. It would not be right to leave the previous list un-balanced: can't have good without bad, The OC without Chino, yin without yang. I do realize that much of this is unfunny. But this stuff actually does make me angry .. and the writing goes downhill as I get angrier. So here it goes ... the 10 most atrosh things I can think of right now:

Orange Gloves: You may remember this guy from his weekly appearance in the top 5 of "Mah Bitches" lists (remember when Bednar broke 318's white board while erasing the mah bitches list ... cool, Tom). I do understand that the true culprit of this suckage is NBC sports, TV timeouts, and commercialism in general. Whatever. It is far easier to focus my hatred on one man ... the man in the orange gloves. Really, though, it is not what he did, but how he does it. This guy loves his job waaaaay too much. I am pretty sure if those orange gloves had individual fingers, he would flash the bird to the entire stadium every second he is on the field. He even wore that ridiculous uniform. Clearly, this was not part of the job description. He could have just as easily gone out there in his streets. But no, he had to look like an official. So that little bitch would waddle out there in his five sizes too small outfit and hold up that orange glove like he was lighting the olympic torch. I doubt they even gave him that uniform ... he probably had his mom make him a new one every week before they went to bed together. Gross, Orange Gloves ... gross. And does everyone remember how angry he was whenever Red Hat came to town. He couldn't just make a friend at the workplace. No, he had to have all the glory for himself. Well fine then, Mr. Gloves, it's yours ... as is a spot in the 10 most atrosh things ever.

Bill Walton: Bill was actually the reason I started making the list. I really cannot stand this guy, and I don't think I am alone. I love the Lakers, and I truly get enjoyment out of watching their games. But whenever they play on TNT, I cringe a little because I know I am going to have to deal with Bill Walton. Eventually I have to mute the sound because I just cannot take it anymore. Bill Walton is a failure in everything he does: player, father, commentator. As McHugh rightly pointed out about Big Bill, the man threw his shoe at a basketball in attempts to block it. That alone warrants him making this list. Then we move onto his fathering skills. Well, really, the fact that he was allowed to have children is a travesty in and of itself. To allow these genes to be passed on to future generations is, as Bill Walton would probably put it, "a sin against all of humanity." But his true atrocity comes in his nightly comments. I mean, have you guys ever listened to him? Not only does he fellate John Wooden and Kareem Abdul Jabbar every five minutes (and often when they have nothing to do with the conversation), but he makes some of the most assinine comments I have ever heard. I used to think that his pure stupidity had to be part of some on-air act for entertainment purposes. But there is no way anyone could act this ridiculous. Not even Tutaj. The examples are inumerable, but here are a few of Walton's gems, categorized according to his personal styles. These need no commentary ... believe me, they speak for themselves.
The Blatant Ridiculousness:

"You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. As if Michelangelo was reading and a lightning bolt flashed before him."
"Robert Horry is a genius of the game of basketball, and a genius of the human spirit as well."
On Larry Johnson: "What a pathetic performance by this sad human being. This is a disgrace to the game of basketball and to the NBA. He played like a disgrace tonight. And he deserved it."

The Historcal Observation:

"Tony Parker just made the worst pass… in the history of Western Civilization!"

"Robert Horry may be the best inbound passer in the history of the League"
"And Quentin Richardson with quite possibly the worst transition defense in the history of the Clippers organization."
"The art of tossing up the jump ball has really declined. These officials need to spend more time practicing in the off-season."
Walton: “John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!”
Tom: “Wow, that’s a pretty strong statement. I guess I don’t have a good handle on world history.”
Walton: “Well Tom, that’s because you didn’t go to UCLA.”

The Cosmically Comical:

"We are seeing Tracy McGrady do things we have never seen anyone do, from any planet!"
On Kobe: "The added muscle and bulk from pushing that steel and the natural maturation process now enables this grandmaster to regularly accomplish the unimaginable without dragging around excessive bulk and baggage. Most top players get to the point where they truly believe that anything is possible. Most are also governed by gravity, the laws of physics and self-regulating mental control mechanisms. Kobe has left all these behind. The extra strength and stamina have made him a superior 3-point shooter, a most dominant defender and arguably the game's top rebounder."

The Complete Dumbass:

Bill : "Chris Childs is just playing
terribly right now."
Snapper : "Bill...Bill...he has a triple-double."
Bill : "DOOOON'T give me numbers Snapper...show me a player who can DOMINATE the game."

The Atkins Diet: I really think that this is one of the greatest scams in recent history. Let's take a look at the situation. Fat people everywhere. All of them self-conscious about how they look. None of them want to work out or change what they eat. So here comes Dr. Atkins with a sweet weight loss plan. Here is pretty much a summary of the entire Atkins history:

Money Hungry Businessman: If we convince fat people that eating fatty and high cholesterol foods is healthy, it will sell like wildfire.
Dr. Atkins: Yes, true. But don't you think they will realize it is obviously going to make their already clogged arteries even worse?
Money Hungry Businessman: No. We will just find some scientific tid-bit to exploit and not tell them about the unhealthy part. Plus, you are a doctor, they will believe you.
Dr. Atkins: Perfect! I have no morals! But how do we market it?
Money Hungry Businessman: Are you kidding? These are fat people. Telling them that eating steak and pork fat is healthy is like the greatest gift in the world. The job is pretty much done for us. Everyday will be like Christmas for them.
Dr. Atkins: But you can't eat unlimited fatty products. You will die.
Money Hungry Businessman: Fine, fine. We will be vague about it at first and then revise our stance in later books telling people we obviously only meant lean meat and fish.
Dr. Atkins: But why will they believe me? I am a lardass with a heart attack on the horizon.
Money Hungry Businessman: We won't tell them about you. And when you do have a heart attack, we will tell them it is viral and that your diet actually allowed you to live. No one will know the truth until after you are dead, and more importantly, until after we make tons of money.
Dr. Atkins: Sign me up.

And obviously, people ate it up. To an insane degree. I think when you get kicked out of a buffet because you are eating all the roast beef in the restaurant, you may have missed the point. And it is not like that is a one-time thing. These Atkins people will defend their diet of fat to the death ... literally. I really must laugh at the notion of any diet that allows you to eat "unlimited" anything. Forget the reasonable, proven approach of "eat less, work out more." No, no. That would require will power. And Atkins doesn't bottle that and sell it at your local grocery store.

The Patriot Act: Let's establish something first. If you hate the Bill of Rights and civil liberties ... then the Patriot Act is right up your alley. Free Speech - Gone (1st Ammendment). Search and Seizure procedures - Gone (4th). Due Process - Gone (5th, 14th). Trial By Jury - Gone (6th). Cruel and Unusual Punishment - Gone (8th). Protection of Rights and Powers of States and Peoples - Gone (9th, 10th). So that makes, what ... a total violation of 7 out of the 8 applicable ammedments of the Bill of Rights? Plus toss in the 14th for good measure. Wow. I really don't think you could do a more broad sweeping demolition if you tried. The real trick, though, is that this act is peddled as a "safety measure." And with politcal apathy at an all-time high, no one takes the time to actually read what it says. You know what they say ... the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. Now I know we all miss McHugh. But the next time you see him he may be bursting through your door, arresting you without charge, and sending you down to Guantanomo for torture. And it would all be legal. That is pretty atrosh. Why can't the government pass the Mad Dog Act? That way when we see McHugh he will be bursting through the door with a case of Doggies or Blenders, ready for a party. Would you rather have torture and death, or civil liberties and free booze? I think George made the wrong decision here.

Vegetarians: Vegetarians are atrosh. In every way. If you want to completely abandon your nature as a human and stick to vegan diet, fine by me. But I don't want to hear a single word about it. Not a peep. Every time "I don't eat meat" is uttered, it is followed by four or five lines of explanations about their choice. Did I ask why? No. Did I laugh at you and call you a pussy? Yes. But why do you think this means I want to hear you defend yourself? Because vegetarians know they look completely retarded. They are sheepishly herded into their meatless existence by some ridiculous argument about which they have no factual knowledge, and enjoy making themselves feel better by thinking everyone else is destroying the planet. You don't see us omnivores continually defending our decision to eat meat. We don't need to, because we are right. You're "meat is murder" and "feed the world" campaigns do not amuse me. However, as terrible as vegetarianism is and as angry as it makes me, I cannot do better than this article. A highlight:

"Well here's something that not many vegetarians know (or care to acknowledge): every year MILLIONS of animals are killed by wheat and soy bean combines during harvesting season. Oh yeah, go on and on for hours about how all of us meat eaters are going to hell for having a steak, but conveniently ignore the fact that each year millions of mice, rabbits, snakes, skunks, possums, squirrels, gophers and rats are ruthlessly murdered as a direct result of YOUR dieting habits. What's that? I'm sorry, I don't hear any more elitist banter from you pompous cocks. Could it be because your shit has been RUINED?

As if when someone stops eating meat, they suddenly become holy and dignified and it excuses them for the years of inconvenience and frustration they inevitably inflict upon their friends, family and co-workers who just want to go to a restaurant and order a damn steak without constantly being reminded that they're going to hell for eating an animal that spends most of its life shitting in a field. There are those of us who don't have a hyperactive sense of guilt and we don't give a shit about your mixed up self-righteous moral vegetarian agenda."

The solution? I like this guy's Sponsor a Vegetarian idea.

Hockey: Namely ice hockey. I know some of you, like Mikey, may not agree with this. But ice hockey is pretty much the worst sport ever invented. Granted, the main idea of hockey-eque sports is not so terrible. Manuever a ball/object past defenders and into a goal. Hmm, sounds an awful lot like some other sport. Some tiny one that no one has ever heard of. Soccer? Oh yeah. Want to make it a little more hardcore and use sticks instead? Fine. Lacrosse, Hurling - those work. Those are sports. But then some dumbass Europeans went to Canada and invented this new sport that was pure shit from the outset ... and I mean pure shit. Cow dung, more specifically, which is what the first ice-hockey players used for their pucks. So let's review the origins of this game. A bunch of whiteys went somewhere really cold, lost their minds, and turned what were respectable sports into a shit-capades on ice show? Sweet. And why does anyone continue to watch? No one will ever know. I do know, however, why people continue to play. Because this is the only thing they can be good at. Talentless Canadians and Minnesotans are really good at one thing: being cold. And they are really, really bad at several things, but one in particular: sports ... especially the ones dominated by Paul Hornung's black athletes. What is something that can be really cold and that black athletes don't dominate: water. So they band together, put on masks, and run around with blades and sticks on freezing cold water. Think any future real sports start is gonna want to join that? I don't think so. So hockey, or as I like to call it, the modern day KKK, definitely gets on this list.

Loss of The Clean Pinch: Normally, I would say that evolution is a good thing. Yet in this one area, we have been failed by the process. I know you have heard me bitching about it before, but why, oh why, have we lost the clean pinch? We all know that great feeling ... you just dropped a deuce and go to clean up, when ... alllriiiiiiiite. No need. Because you just managed a clean pinch. And it isn't just that there is no need to wipe ... quite simply, it feels cathartic. So why can we not do this each and every time. Your dog has no need for toilet paper. People tell me, well that is why they smell. No it isn't. Let's get serious. Does your dog smell like feces? Cause mine doesn't. My dog smells different from a human because of her breath and her coat, and because she only bathes every few weeks. Cats don't need to wipe. Come to think of it, none of the other animals need to wipe. So where along our evolutionary history did we lose this grand, yet basic ability. We can go back along the lines. Reptiles and birds are in the clear. So are most other mammals. The question comes down to the monkeys. Now we know that they like to throw their shit at each other. And I think this is evidence of the start of our downfall. I hypothesize that there was a monkey along the lines who lost the necessary muscles/reuptake mechanism to maintain the clean pinch. It was a freak accident ... a mutation. And it was definitely NOT conducive to his survival. Think about it: huge monster looking for dinner ... two monkeys dropping a deuce ... one has to wipe, the other doesn't ... who gets eaten? Yeah, one drops and runs, the other is stuck there with a leaf in his hand trying to clean himself. We all recall the incredibly scientific film Jurassic Park. Who gets eaten first? Yup, the guy on the john taking a dump. Even if he is able to run away, he leaves a nice track of aroma leading the moster right to him. But I digress ... back to our monkey. He was made fun of, mocked ... hated by the rest of the monkey community. They even gave him the ultimate of terrible nicknames: JLau. Since JLau was always gross and smelly, the other monkeys began to ridicule him by throwing their shit at him. Then, one day, there was a monkey battle. Being the mocked, shit-laden monkey that he was, JLau stayed in hiding with the women. The rest of the monkeys, however, were killed. In order to keep the clan surviving, JLau passed on his clean-pinchless genes on to the next generation of unlucky monkeys. And, unfortunately, these are the genes that evolved in humans. This explains our potential to sometimes clean pinch: the genetics work in a co-dominant fashion. Because JLau was the common ancestor, his non-clean pinch genes were in all descendents. But the other gene was positive for the clean pinch. So we get the intermediate result: some clean pinches ... some not. This also explains monkeys throwing shit at each other: because JLau was scarred by the "shittings" he received, he felt he must throw his shit at others to make himself feel better. Thus, the throwing of shit is actually an environmental, learned response in monkeys. I am confident this theory will withstand harsh research scrutiny.

JLau: See above. Man did you barely beat out womens sports for a spot on this list. But seriously, don't get me started on either of them.
Minivans: The day these rolled off the assembly line in Detroit was a sad, sad day indeed. What the hell are they? Not a car. Not a truck. Not a van. No. They are a breed all their own. And what a terrible breed it is. One of the main marketing points for minivans is safety. Heavy cars that will keep a mother and her children safe in the event of an accident. Seems nice, but let's take a closer look. The best way to be safe in an accident is to be going slow, thus minivans were designed to go slowly. Another way to be safe is to load up the car with heavy metal that can withstand large impacts ... this weights quite a bit, greatly reducing fuel efficiency. They are also for mothers and her children ... as we know, women are inferior drivers. And because they are advertised for safety, the people who are likely to buy them are those that are worried about getting into accidents because they are bad drivers (again, women, for example). So what we have is a disaster waiting to happen. Terrible drivers, who before would have been so worried about the safety of their children that they simply would have stayed off the road, now have a slow, gas guzzling vehicle to get them from point A to point B. This is obviously bad for the environment ... more cars on the road and worse mileage. But it is also worse for everyone else on the road. These are bad drivers to begin with, now being given cars that allow them to annoy people even more. Ever been stuck behind a minivan going 10mph under the speed limit in the fast lane? Yeah. It sucks. Notice how many terrible parking jobs are done by minivans? That too sucks. Strike one. All this being said, I have yet to mention another terrible aspect of the minivan: its design. These things are completely ugly. And not only are they ugly in and of themselves, but they have spurred a whole new line of ugly ugly cars (if you can call them that). These new cars are so ugly that it makes you want to punch the driver. Cars are meant for driving ... not for promoting useless violence. Yet another strike against the minivan. And strike three: the sliding door. Sliding doors are not meant for cars. They are meant for grocery stores. Is there a wide selection of produce and meat in your car, which I will purchase and carry out with an arm full of bags or in a shopping cart? No? OK then, just use a regular door. And all these new sliding doors are even worse, with their timers and "safety monitors" and push button openers. Are you seriously unable to open a regular car door? Are you that helpless that you have to press a button and sit there for twenty seconds while the door opens? Three strikes, Mr. Minivan ... you are definitely out.

The Congo: The river? The book? The movie? The country? Actually, they all suck. But I am talking about the country, though I don't even know what to call it. Apparently it is called the Democratic Republic of the Congo, but can also be called DRC, DR Congo, Congo, or Congo Kinshasa. This friggen place has had more names in the last decade than Pat Borders had baseball teams (10, by the way). It used to be called Zaire ... I didn't even know that wasn't a country anymore. At various points in its history, this place has been ruled by sucky Germans (ex: Hitler), sucky Belgians (ex: Doug Wheeler), and sucky French (ex: all of them). That alone qualifies this place for the list. But let's see if there is anything good that the Congo has contributed to the world. Hmm. Seriously, I have found nothing. Absolutely nothing. No famous people, no decent exports, nothing. There is one thing that came from the Congo: AIDS. Reeeeeeeal cool, Congo. Not only have you given the world nothing good, but you have to go and send out what is probably the worst disease ever. And how exactly did that happen? Knowing what I do about the Congo, the whole monkey beastiality option is not out of the question. Really, this is actually just getting worse as I type more. So I am looking for something to redeem the country. Anything. The country looks like a straw hat, I guess. So that isn't terrible. It could be in the shape of a a devil, or something. But if you ask Angola, I bet they say it looks like an upside-down bag, emptying all its problems into their country. So maybe that isn't so great. Even their coat of arms looks like something Lau would design for the Wah-Yan Wahyanites. Sweet cougar, Congo. Way to be the worst country in the world.