In law, treason is the crime of disloyalty to one's nation. A person who betrays the nation of their citizenship and/or reneges on an oath of loyalty and in some way willfully cooperates with an enemy, is considered to be a traitor. Oran's Dictionary of the Law (1983) defines treason as: "...[a]...citizen's actions to help a foreign government overthrow, make war against, or seriously injure the [parent nation]." In many nations, it is also often considered treason to attempt or conspire to overthrow the government, even if no foreign country is aided or involved by such an endeavour.

Traitor may also mean a person who betrays (or is accused of betraying) their own political party, nation, family, friends, ethnic group, religion, social class, or other group to which they may belong. Often, such accusations are controversial and disputed, as the person may not identify with the group of which they are a member, or may otherwise disagree with the group leaders making the charge.

Some treasonous traitors of disrepute:

Let us take for instance Guy Fawkes. Not only did he have a more than questionably gay name, such as our friend Ritzenheim, but he also happened to sport the Pilgrim Hat. Now many of you know that the pilgrim hat was only fashionable outside England in the Colonies (the seeds of our great American Republic, Lau). Even today, the only acceptable location for Pilgrimwear is the US. Fawkes was likely wearing DeNicola-esque buckleboots by which he should have been hanged upside down from for his attempt to go. Needless to say, on top of attempting to blow up Parliament- the only functioning hall of representative government at the time, he brought great dishonor to his fellow man by sporting the mustachioed pilgrim look outside of Plymouth Rock.

Crime – Treason, Convicted
Sentence – Hanging, then to be drawn and quartered


Now, Marcus Junius Brutus. More popularly known by his Latin vocative, Bruté, this killer was nothing less than a assassin of historical proportions. As evidenced by the oft-repeated quote “et tu Bruté,” it wasn’t the daggers themselves but the pain of betrayal by his close friend that tore into Caesar’s heart. As Brutus was appointed to the Senate by Caesar, his mere opportunity to stand in that place where he could inflict the killing blows (both emotionally and physically) was due to Caesar’s generosity.

Crime – Treason, By decree of Octavian whose word is beyond contestation
Sentence – Death, cowardly avoided through suicide

Next, Count Adhemar of Anjou, who despite having a French sounding name, and fighting in England with Geoffrey Chaucer on-hand before a crowd of Czech extras, and openly defying the implied will of The Black Prince of Wales, was never quite found guilty of treason. He was however, weighed, measured, and found lacking. Like someone else, his arrogance in the face of imminent demise bore great karmic weight upon his future wellbeing.

Crime – Violations of various ManLaws
Sentence – Public ignominy at the hands of Sir William

Judas Iscariot. A man amongst boys as far as ripples in history go. Perhaps the man most known for betrayal ever to walk the earth. There isn’t much to be said that hasn’t been said.

Crime – Treason towards C the K
Sentence – Like Brutus, Judas suffers eternal damnation being chewed alive but never swallowed in the innermost circle of Dante’s inferno. Kinda like watching the Cubs.

Speaking of whom, Kerry Wood and Mark Prior are two of the biggest traitors alive today. This alone makes them faggots in the eyes of real men everywhere. Evidently the problem with them completing whole seasons is the fact that they can’t quit rubbing baby oil in each other’s jockstraps… while their fellow cubs are still wearing it. I mean get false. The one cubs game I went to Prior was wearing a jacket to bat. Who does that. Seriously steve, great idols. Because of these two Chicago is destined never to win another major sports title until you get the likes of Ditka and Singletary back in the house instead of the likes of these dick fencers and the following traitor.

Crime – Sodomy
Sentence – Living in Chicago and never finishing a season because they’re too busy swallowing balls to throw them for the Cubs.

Ben Wallace could probably be paired up with the Judas above. Look at him steve, your little idol selling out for 40million pieces of silver and still can’t buy a bucket. Great investment, Steve. The only problem is at least Iscariot did what he set out to do. Ben “Washed up” Wallace was a joke in the playoffs, just like the cubs when Steve Tutaj Bartman blew it for you. I bet you Wood not have watched that game if you had Prior knowledge of how bad you would suck. DFOHDFSHYJERAOH.

Crime – Treason and Greed
Sentence – lives with Wood and Prior

Oh look at me, I’m mild mannered Steven Edward Tutaj VII, the now exposed alter ego of Stax Thunder!! I sell out the men of Challey and clearly have interest in only myself. After tasting the sweet bitter poison of the dark side while on Team Tuxedo I have decided to throw in the towel and quit playing for the winning team. I bust on McHugh’s balls for not leaving common room when I have Madnesbeat over. Thanks to McHugh, we’re not looking at Mrs. Tutaj the First ------->

So I guess in the end, it was a good thing that I wanted to see the end of a movie without DeNicola telling me what it was, wasn't it STEVEN? or... is it .... STEPHEN?

Once there was a dream that was Rome...

And along those lines, somewhere during our stay at school, there was a dream that was StaxThunder!!! He was a Hero for Our Times! as the muse would say. His legacy was such that he'd pass classes without leaving his room for weeks, communicating only via AOL smiley faces. He would be rumored to be at the dining hall, an apparition in a hoody getting soup but never making it to the balcony. When seen in his room, he would somehow defy all clinical hygiene, having aparently not showered for days, have a month's worth of facial hair sprouting from his chin, and still be awarded AFROTC's Flexibility is the Key to Airpower Award. He defined flexibility like no couch potato ever had. Then, Stax left the hallowed grounds of Our Lady's University with a degree in Fisheries, but his skills were honed to take him to the next level.

I ran into Stax a while back. He told me life was good. He was proudly serving in a capacity that made even the Coast Guard look like Special Forces. His PT regimen was to quote him "about first time in a year I went (see below)" and his success story was that worthy of President Bush's State of the Union Address. Steve, working a hard eight hour weeks, had just been awarded the Wright Patterson Air Force Base's Company Grade Officer of the Quarter. Life was looking up for Stax and it couldn't get any better...

That's right, it would only get worse. You see friends, this is where Stax's dark twisted descent becomes evident. He peaked as the CGOQ at WPAFB for 2QFY07 despite being AWOL messages of TTYL to his CO and the head of the Directorate. To really trace where things went wrong we have to go back in time...

What you see here is Durm, founder of Team Tuxedo, Jesus an apparition keeping two evils apart, and Steve a Tuxedawanabe. While we can forgive the one in the durmground for getting married as Kimmer is the only one who answers our e-mails from Ann Arbor is a Whore, the one in the Staxground should be pointed out. He hath sinned against hith brotherth. Like Lau getting eaten in the head, his fate has turned out like a 145-bound chicken--- dead, mocked and devoured in the food chain even by Lau Hing Churn. Even by Kenny Kung. EVEN BY BEANS AND GORGEOUS GEORGE. Yeah that's right. I did go there.

You see, Steve sold everyone out. That's the straight dope. After seeing this girl for what, 3 months tops? He just goes off like Ray Nagin talking about a Chocolate City and proposes to some nurse. Cool Steve. Clearly according to ManLaw, the next to kills his social life must be the one who has dated someone the longest. Now, given semantics and statutory laws, DeNicola and I are probably the next two in either order. Seeing as you usurped us and threw your hoodied self to the front of the line, or altar for that matter, you have thrown the universe into disbalance. Now we have Asians winning Miss Universe, a femaculine something as Speaker of the House, Global Warming, and Bruce Willis just might not make it to the damn asteroid to save us when it comes. Cool Steve. Now I have to endure a deployment to Iraq hearing "when are you going to buy me a ring?" Way to go. If I die, its officially on you now.

So way to go Steve, congratulations on ending the life of one of America's most beloved bachelors. Your nation thanks you for it. Or not. And just wait until it comes time for the wedding, your treason will not go unnoticed. And trust me, the hazing will continue....