No more excuses ...

84*

In law, treason is the crime of disloyalty to one's nation. A person who betrays the nation of their citizenship and/or reneges on an oath of loyalty and in some way willfully cooperates with an enemy, is considered to be a traitor. Oran's Dictionary of the Law (1983) defines treason as: "...[a]...citizen's actions to help a foreign government overthrow, make war against, or seriously injure the [parent nation]." In many nations, it is also often considered treason to attempt or conspire to overthrow the government, even if no foreign country is aided or involved by such an endeavour.

Traitor may also mean a person who betrays (or is accused of betraying) their own political party, nation, family, friends, ethnic group, religion, social class, or other group to which they may belong. Often, such accusations are controversial and disputed, as the person may not identify with the group of which they are a member, or may otherwise disagree with the group leaders making the charge.

Some treasonous traitors of disrepute:

Let us take for instance Guy Fawkes. Not only did he have a more than questionably gay name, such as our friend Ritzenheim, but he also happened to sport the Pilgrim Hat. Now many of you know that the pilgrim hat was only fashionable outside England in the Colonies (the seeds of our great American Republic, Lau). Even today, the only acceptable location for Pilgrimwear is the US. Fawkes was likely wearing DeNicola-esque buckleboots by which he should have been hanged upside down from for his attempt to go. Needless to say, on top of attempting to blow up Parliament- the only functioning hall of representative government at the time, he brought great dishonor to his fellow man by sporting the mustachioed pilgrim look outside of Plymouth Rock.

Crime – Treason, Convicted
Sentence – Hanging, then to be drawn and quartered


Now, Marcus Junius Brutus. More popularly known by his Latin vocative, Bruté, this killer was nothing less than a assassin of historical proportions. As evidenced by the oft-repeated quote “et tu Bruté,” it wasn’t the daggers themselves but the pain of betrayal by his close friend that tore into Caesar’s heart. As Brutus was appointed to the Senate by Caesar, his mere opportunity to stand in that place where he could inflict the killing blows (both emotionally and physically) was due to Caesar’s generosity.

Crime – Treason, By decree of Octavian whose word is beyond contestation
Sentence – Death, cowardly avoided through suicide

Next, Count Adhemar of Anjou, who despite having a French sounding name, and fighting in England with Geoffrey Chaucer on-hand before a crowd of Czech extras, and openly defying the implied will of The Black Prince of Wales, was never quite found guilty of treason. He was however, weighed, measured, and found lacking. Like someone else, his arrogance in the face of imminent demise bore great karmic weight upon his future wellbeing.

Crime – Violations of various ManLaws
Sentence – Public ignominy at the hands of Sir William

Judas Iscariot. A man amongst boys as far as ripples in history go. Perhaps the man most known for betrayal ever to walk the earth. There isn’t much to be said that hasn’t been said.

Crime – Treason towards C the K
Sentence – Like Brutus, Judas suffers eternal damnation being chewed alive but never swallowed in the innermost circle of Dante’s inferno. Kinda like watching the Cubs.

Speaking of whom, Kerry Wood and Mark Prior are two of the biggest traitors alive today. This alone makes them faggots in the eyes of real men everywhere. Evidently the problem with them completing whole seasons is the fact that they can’t quit rubbing baby oil in each other’s jockstraps… while their fellow cubs are still wearing it. I mean get false. The one cubs game I went to Prior was wearing a jacket to bat. Who does that. Seriously steve, great idols. Because of these two Chicago is destined never to win another major sports title until you get the likes of Ditka and Singletary back in the house instead of the likes of these dick fencers and the following traitor.

Crime – Sodomy
Sentence – Living in Chicago and never finishing a season because they’re too busy swallowing balls to throw them for the Cubs.

Ben Wallace could probably be paired up with the Judas above. Look at him steve, your little idol selling out for 40million pieces of silver and still can’t buy a bucket. Great investment, Steve. The only problem is at least Iscariot did what he set out to do. Ben “Washed up” Wallace was a joke in the playoffs, just like the cubs when Steve Tutaj Bartman blew it for you. I bet you Wood not have watched that game if you had Prior knowledge of how bad you would suck. DFOHDFSHYJERAOH.

Crime – Treason and Greed
Sentence – lives with Wood and Prior

Oh look at me, I’m mild mannered Steven Edward Tutaj VII, the now exposed alter ego of Stax Thunder!! I sell out the men of Challey and clearly have interest in only myself. After tasting the sweet bitter poison of the dark side while on Team Tuxedo I have decided to throw in the towel and quit playing for the winning team. I bust on McHugh’s balls for not leaving common room when I have Madnesbeat over. Thanks to McHugh, we’re not looking at Mrs. Tutaj the First ------->

So I guess in the end, it was a good thing that I wanted to see the end of a movie without DeNicola telling me what it was, wasn't it STEVEN? or... is it .... STEPHEN?

Once there was a dream that was Rome...

And along those lines, somewhere during our stay at school, there was a dream that was StaxThunder!!! He was a Hero for Our Times! as the muse would say. His legacy was such that he'd pass classes without leaving his room for weeks, communicating only via AOL smiley faces. He would be rumored to be at the dining hall, an apparition in a hoody getting soup but never making it to the balcony. When seen in his room, he would somehow defy all clinical hygiene, having aparently not showered for days, have a month's worth of facial hair sprouting from his chin, and still be awarded AFROTC's Flexibility is the Key to Airpower Award. He defined flexibility like no couch potato ever had. Then, Stax left the hallowed grounds of Our Lady's University with a degree in Fisheries, but his skills were honed to take him to the next level.

I ran into Stax a while back. He told me life was good. He was proudly serving in a capacity that made even the Coast Guard look like Special Forces. His PT regimen was to quote him "about first time in a year I went (see below)" and his success story was that worthy of President Bush's State of the Union Address. Steve, working a hard eight hour weeks, had just been awarded the Wright Patterson Air Force Base's Company Grade Officer of the Quarter. Life was looking up for Stax and it couldn't get any better...

That's right, it would only get worse. You see friends, this is where Stax's dark twisted descent becomes evident. He peaked as the CGOQ at WPAFB for 2QFY07 despite being AWOL messages of TTYL to his CO and the head of the Directorate. To really trace where things went wrong we have to go back in time...

What you see here is Durm, founder of Team Tuxedo, Jesus an apparition keeping two evils apart, and Steve a Tuxedawanabe. While we can forgive the one in the durmground for getting married as Kimmer is the only one who answers our e-mails from Ann Arbor is a Whore, the one in the Staxground should be pointed out. He hath sinned against hith brotherth. Like Lau getting eaten in the head, his fate has turned out like a 145-bound chicken--- dead, mocked and devoured in the food chain even by Lau Hing Churn. Even by Kenny Kung. EVEN BY BEANS AND GORGEOUS GEORGE. Yeah that's right. I did go there.

You see, Steve sold everyone out. That's the straight dope. After seeing this girl for what, 3 months tops? He just goes off like Ray Nagin talking about a Chocolate City and proposes to some nurse. Cool Steve. Clearly according to ManLaw, the next to kills his social life must be the one who has dated someone the longest. Now, given semantics and statutory laws, DeNicola and I are probably the next two in either order. Seeing as you usurped us and threw your hoodied self to the front of the line, or altar for that matter, you have thrown the universe into disbalance. Now we have Asians winning Miss Universe, a femaculine something as Speaker of the House, Global Warming, and Bruce Willis just might not make it to the damn asteroid to save us when it comes. Cool Steve. Now I have to endure a deployment to Iraq hearing "when are you going to buy me a ring?" Way to go. If I die, its officially on you now.

So way to go Steve, congratulations on ending the life of one of America's most beloved bachelors. Your nation thanks you for it. Or not. And just wait until it comes time for the wedding, your treason will not go unnoticed. And trust me, the hazing will continue....

RARGH!

I saw this link in my bookmarks, clicked it, and immediately became enraged that that horrific Tutaj post is the first thing to read. So i wanted to slide it down the page so no one has to experience that again. Rargh.


I don't know why ... and perhaps it is weirded out ... but this is how I imagine Tutaj having a heart attack. Maybe it is the face. Maybe it is the fact that I can imagine this guy having just run around a room fist pumping (see his right hand) to THUNDAH!, and then keeling over in pain. Or maybe it is that his belt is unbuckled for absolutely no reason.

In any case ... that is all.

The Wedding in 4 Pictures

More to come.

Calm before the Post-Nuptial Storm

Such a delicious little posting there! Not going to lie, that weekend was a)outstanding and b)so close to matching Nostaxdamus's prophecy that its eerie.

I feel like everyone needs to include their account of the weekend. Mine won't be coming for a few days since I'm moving all my shit around the house since my parents decided to redo my room and redo the garage at the same time, basically tearing them both out.

As for the statement "an enraged McHugh would yell "Terry Tate!" and just drill the guy," I would like to point out that I am very mild mannered as exhibited by my not smiting cousin Brad for hitting me in the face and leaving him to die face down in the Durm's.

Call me Mr. Sally.

Stax Nostradamus?

I would like to quote from Stax's message to Mikey that was posted back in April.

"Durm’s place is...in Indiana. We’re gonna drive, go 2 hours to Indiana. That whole week we’re just gonna trash Durm’s place, oh man. We’re gonna just like pee all over the whole street and everything. We’re just gonna pee on the whole street, it’s gonna be awesome. And then, and then, we could just go play golf and get drunk all the time at Durm’s place in the, uh, Indiana. And thennnnn, then we’re gonna go to Hammertown. And then, it’s gonna be the greatest place ever. And hey, sah-pah-raiiiiise, Hammertown. Hey sah-pah-rise Durm’s wedding party. Hey, Hammertown’s just gonna get all over everybody, and then Durm and Kim are gonna leave, and we’re gonna have the reception all to ourselves, and ONG, it’s gonna be vomit and Everclear everywhere. The greatest and most delicious mixture ever."

When I initially read this, I must admit I chuckled at the ridiculousness of the message. But oh how hindsight has changed that reaction. ONG. With only slight modifications, this is pretty much exactly what happened. Replace "peeing in the street" with "peeing in Durm's room" and "vomit and Everclear" with "vomit and tequila," and this is no longer a drunken ramble, but a prophetic account by Thunderstruck. Of course, he does go on to predict:

"Wrigs is just gonna come and lick it up. She’s gonna be like, “Mmmmmm, Everclear, sah-pah-rise tasty.” And then we’re gonna....eat....dog -- not Wrigley, but some other dog. And then we’re gonna go in the strip club and punch people in the face. It’s gonna be awesome...it’s gonna be awesome."

No, none of this happened. But I am not entirely sure that it wouldn't have happened had we all stayed until Tuesday. Tutaj would have gone back to Dayton in order to fashion an inflatable Stax that could take his place at work all week. He would have then returned with Wrigs, hoping that he could get Wrigs and Max drunk together and put them in Durm's room to hook up. Wrigs would inevitably end up licking all sorts of alcohol - fulfilling that part of the prophecy.
I am also pretty positive that a drunk Lau would not be able to distinguish Emma from food. We would all come out of the house to a ridiculously happy, red eyed, wavy lipped Lau flopping around near the grill. His excitement would make us all laugh at first, but the laughter would quickly turn to vomit when he started handing us plates of Emma. Lau would then cry and vomit and shit at the same time (gross).
And finally, with nothing to do on Monday night, we would all make our way to the Elwood strip club for a good time. Because midwest stip clubs usally play atrosh music, we would probably find some song to which we could sing Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. Someone else in the stripclub would make a comment, and an enraged McHugh would yell "Terry Tate!" and just drill the guy. A brawl would break out and many people would get punched in the face.

Thank God we left when we did.

Death of the Blog

GEORGIA ON MY MIND
Okay, I understand that everything died down when the absence of my wry witty remarks combined with internet startup BleacherReport.com and Lt. Stax actually working to leave this a not-so much fun atmosphere. Don't despair so much now that I am back and can entertain all our little minds (or at least my distorted sense of how funny I am).

First and Foremost:
I could not wait to tell you all how happy I am to get out of Georgia and back to the rest of modern civiliziation. To sum Georgia up, all I need to say is So much about Mirshak is explained. Now, that doesn't mean any of it is okay. It just means that he's put in a whole new level of context that makes me hate him even more. Almost as much as...

Rocky Top Sucks
Yes, the entire state. Not only is Tennessee a haven for the fastest growing marijuana market (coincidentally timed with the Morales boys Rudy and Eddy coming of age?) but also the worst people this side (outside) of Georgia. Once crossing the Georgia-Tenn line I decided to call Steve since I didn't expect him to be busy. However right before I picked up my phone I got pulled over. Evidently, in Tennessee its cool to not post a drop in speed limit from 75 to 55. Mind you, this drop took place on what was either a 3 or 4 lane widening of the road from Georgia. So there I am sitting there as Sherrif Kodiak Spit is lecturing me about driving too fast and writing a ticket. The best part about this is as I'm getting written up for 80 in a 55 by an ingrate with barely enough mastery of the English language to carry on a lecture, I am staring at a sign maybe 45 yards away where the speed limit kicks up to 65. Clearly, this is nothing but a blatant speed trap. So the sheriff lets me go on my way and tells me to be careful merging which is the best part solely because I'm forced to get up to 80mph before I can get into the flow of traffic. Thanks fag. Thanks.

So as I'm driving through Rocky Top things have to be on their way up. Wrong, I have bad karma and sure enough things have yet to hit Rocky Bottom. I pull off at an exit because I'm running low on gas. Sah Pa Rize Rocky Top. Whoops, Hickville USA and not a gas station in sight. So I roll down the road because the sign indicates a larger road is that way. There I stop and ask an EMT where the nearest gas station is. Whoops he sends me the wrong way and I have to walk for gas when I run out. Cool fag. Cool.

Finally I made it out of Tennessee and stopped by to visit Stax since it was getting late. We had a dece little convo which presents a great segue into my next topic of conversation...

MERRY WEDDING DURMY
I'd like to prefix this scriptum by saying that I'm quite excited to be able to go. Especially since I'll be able to see everyone for the first time since the ND-Pitt game I wasn't at. Whoops me. Cool Durm. I tried to let Durm know that I wouldn't be able to attend when I found out that my orders were getting extended. Turns out that Durmo didn't really care to even respond. Cool Durm. Cool. Its not like I haven't seen Grey's Anatomy and know that doctors don't do anything and have plenty of free time. Cool man.
Right now, things are looking up for the Durmster. Soon to be Mrs. Durm (Think about it Greg, its not too late. The only Mrs. Durm in your life is you mother. Now you're going to have to answer to your VERY OWN MRS GREG DURM!!) evidently is going to be cranking out mad baked goods for Challey reunions in the SB. Doing a brief perusal of the wedding registry finds no less than 40 requests for kitchen appliances. Including 1 industrial sized mixer. I'm not going to lie, Durmy, when we have challey week (i.e. Kimmer's week out) at your house its going to be used to mix extra strength Lt Blenders.

I decided to put together a suggestion list for what people could bring to the wedding party.
Mikey- Barry Bonds baseball card since its as close as anyone in Indiana will come to the game
Denicola- the book of 145 which I vandalized (perhaps bringing on bad tennessee karma?)
Lau- all sorts of crazy sharp toys since durmo had like 8 games on his registry
Eddy- arm guards since you told stax you're going to knife fight me at the wedding
Mirshak- fag... he probably will bring a mad dog or 2 and then drink both at the reception and shit himself
Guy- will def show up and steal beer from reception
Stax- bring shitter girl for Durmy
Nicko- photoshop LBJ into a pacers jersey... everyone can dream right Durmy?

FACEBOOK
I'm going to use this to see what you're all doing. Recency is of no issue and I'm rating out of 5 stars.

Eagan- I'm a Leo, and my ideal date includes a romantic dinner at Red Lobster followed by roller disco. My free time is typically spent curled in a fetal position while watching the Food Network. I am allergic to sunlight, confrontation, and cat dander.
*****

Tutaj-
Relationship Status:
In an Open Relationship
Favorite Movies:
Babe, Slackers, Office Space, Big Lebowski
Favorite Quotes:
ONG
*** 1/2 (Open relationship w/debacle!?)

Durm-
Interested In:
Men
Relationship Status:
Single
Looking For:
FriendshipDating
* (Whoops game, wrong Durm)

"This is a group for the all people trying to make a long distance relationship work. This one's for the people who hope to come and leave college with the same significant other. It is a support group, as well as a group to give a collective middle finger to all the naysayers. Come on! Monogamy is great!"
Cool Durm. Cool 145 creeps
**

Green-
Interests:
Hanging with the Buddies, Lifting heavy things, Michael Flatley: Lord of the Dance, Smiling like I mean it, Pizza, Riddles, Ralph's Italian Ices, The M Bar
Favorite Music:
Oasis, Ben Folds, Country, The Updawgs

***** (Picture is icing on cake)

Morales-
Hometown:
Blountville, TN
- Cool Dude

Denicola
ONG. Cool you. Hey remember how you bitched at Shaq for getting fat on the Lakers and sucking because of it?! Facebook seems to show how somebody lost a couple of LBs now that they're gone. Cool. I get it hate on the bookstore team then once you go to Creighton start losing weight. Love it man. I love it. Cool dude. Just make sure the door is barred because I don't even have to knock anymore thanks to John Roberts and Sam Alito.

out

You Have One New Message...

From: "Steven...Edward...Tutaj"
Received April 14, at 11:55pm

Mikeeeeeey. Miiiiiiikeey. Mikey, OK. Hey. Hey, Mikey. Alright, let’s get this down. Mike Eagan is a beast. He’s such a beast that he’s gonna come to Beaver Creek, Ohio on January 3rd.... yeah, January 3rd. We’re gonna go...and go to the awesome place it is for July 4th in Dayton, Ohio, we’re gonna just get Hammertowned and go to the awesome place. Then we’re gonna just chill out for like a week and a half playing golf and drinking kegs of Anchor Steam. And then we’re gonna go to Durm’s place. Durm’s place is...in Indiana. We’re gonna drive, go 2 hours to Indiana. That whole week we’re just gonna trash Durm’s place, oh man. We’re gonna just like pee all over the whole street and everything. We’re just gonna pee on the whole street, it’s gonna be awesome. And then, and then, we could just go play golf and get drunk all the time at Durm’s place in the, uh, Indiana. And thennnnn, then we’re gonna go to Hammertown. And then, it’s gonna be the greatest place ever. And hey, sah-pah-raiiiiise, Hammertown. Hey sah-pah-rise Durm’s wedding party. Hey, Hammertown’s just gonna get all over everybody, and then Durm and Kim are gonna leave, and we’re gonna have the reception all to ourselves, and ONG, it’s gonna be vomit and Everclear everywhere. The greatest and most delicious mixture ever. Wrigs is just gonna come and lick it up. She’s gonna be like, “Mmmmmm, Everclear, sah-pah-rise tasty.” And then we’re gonna....eat....dog -- not Wrigley, but some other dog. And then we’re gonna go in the strip club and punch people in the face. It’s gonna be awesome...it’s gonna be awesome.